Before my mom died, we spoke about how she would communicate with me after she passed. After contemplating a few different options, we settled on her sending me birds, either a cardinal or hummingbird, as a sign that she was still with me. I know it sounds weird and a little crazy, but I had to know she was okay after she died. If a tiny bird could give me that message, then so be it.
When she passed away a few weeks later, I was so overcome with grief that I stopped looking for these signs of her presence. I would lie in bed and cry, wishing I could simply hear her voice again. I wondered if she was okay, wherever she was, and not knowing her faith troubled me greatly. I would see the occasional cardinal or hummingbird but didn’t know if it was a true sign from my mom. Sometimes, I would see a cardinal outside of my window while I was making coffee in the morning. Usually it left me irritated and I would look at the bird only to yell, “Can’t you speak to me just once?!” At this point, I had no idea what I was supposed to be looking for.
Over the next few months, I was getting used to my new life without mom and I was realizing that I probably wouldn’t get the kind of affirmation I was looking for. My heart was hardening and I was becoming quite negative with my outlook on life. I started to question my faith and wondered if there was even an afterlife or a God, which was something I never doubted beforehand. My husband could see the change in me and suggested we take a vacation somewhere sunny and warm in hopes that some sun might brighten up my mood. I agreed and off we went to our tropical paradise.
When we arrived, I was met with heat, sunshine and a lighter attitude. I didn’t have a care in the world except for what drink I should order by the pool that day. I was enjoying myself until the third day there when suddenly I had the overwhelming urge to call my mom and tell her all about it. I sat out on our hotel deck sobbing while holding my phone, unsure of what to make of the flood of emotions I was feeling. When my husband saw me, he suggested we take a walk around the hotel so I can clear my mind. I hesitantly agreed and we began our trek.
“I don’t know what came over me,” I told him. “I just wanted to call her and tell her what a good time I was having…like I did the last time we were here.”
“I know you want to talk to her,” he said. “But I’m pretty sure she knows you are having a great time, already.”
“Yeah, I guess so,” I sighed.
As I tried to force a smile for my husband’s sake, something amazing happened. A small, bright fluttering creature flew right in front of me, briefly startling me. When I realized what this beautiful thing was, my heart filled with excitement and warmth. Hovering a few inches from my face was a tiny blue and green hummingbird that seemed to almost glisten in the sunlight. The little bird cocked its head to the side and stared at me for what seemed like a frozen moment in time. My heart almost stopped as I admired the beauty in this odd, yet so very perfect moment. After a few seconds, the bird vanished into the vast garden behind us so quickly that I didn’t even get to say goodbye.
My husband turned toward me in disbelief and said, “Wow, that was weird! That bird was hovering right in front of you.”
“I think that was mom,” I replied with disbelief.
“I think so, too,” he said.
I had been seeing hummingbirds and cardinals since mom died, but somehow this moment felt different. When that bird appeared in front of me, I was instantly overcome with an overwhelming amount of joy and love. I immediately sensed my mom’s presence and felt her in my soul. The timing and the weirdness of the moment was just too perfect to be a coincidence.
Looking back, I can’t help but wonder why it took so long for my mom to send me a sign. Maybe I ignored the signs or just simply wasn’t ready to see them. Either way, I had finally found what I had been so desperately looking for. I had realized that I never needed to be in search of my mother because I ignored what she was trying to show me all along…that she’s always been with me.