The question of how to deal with grief is a pressing one. While grief is a universal human experience, no two journeys through loss are ever the same.
In moments of sorrow, confusion, or deep longing, guidance from those who have devoted their lives to understanding grief can offer reassurance and hope.
In this article, we share wisdom from those with a great deal of experience working with the bereaved — author Beverly Molander and grief counsellor Ligia Houben.
They illuminate the healing process with compassion, research, and lived experience. They also discuss how to deal with grief when someone you care about has suffered a loss.
Their valuable insights and grief advice remind us that healing does not mean forgetting, “moving on,” or rushing pain away.
Instead, it is about learning how to live meaningfully alongside loss, honouring love, and gently finding a path forward.
TABLE OF CONTENTS
- How to Deal With Grief With Help From Beverley Molander
- How to with Grief With Help From Deal Ligia Houben
- How to Deal With Grief With Help From Love Lives On
How to Deal With Grief With Help From Beverley Molander
Love Lives On sat down with Beverly Molander to seek her best advice on how to deal with grief.
We covered practical strategies for coping with grief after you have suffered a loss, as well as practical ways to support a friend or family member who may be grieving.
She is the co-author of “Heartfelt Memorial Services: Your Guide for Planning Meaningful Funerals, Celebrations of Life and Times of Remembrance”.
Goodread reviewers have described this book as a “valuable, practical resource” that “equips them to support grieving families in authentic, spiritually-vital ways”.
How Long Does Grief Last?
The first question that comes to mind when discussing how to deal with grief is: “How long does grief last?”
It makes sense that we would want to know how long our suffering will last.
Molander’s thoughtful response to this question is: “Grief lasts as long as you need it to, and sometimes as long as you want it to.
“This question makes me think of my mother.
“While the underlying feeling of not being able to move forward with my grief after my mother’s passing has subsided, I still get moments where I want to tell her something or ask for her advice.
“This is a way of grieving. However, a lot of life goes on in between those grieving spurts along the way.
“Grieving is a very good thing and it is something that needs to happen. You can either keep it bottled up now and release it later in life, but grief needs to happen in order to heal.
“You have a choice to get stuck in your grief or you can choose to move forward.
“To honour a loved one who has died is to live the best life you can even though that person cannot,” states Molander.
How to Deal With Grief When You Aren’t Sure of the Right Thing to Say?
When considering how to deal with grief, people are often frustrated by well-meaning friends and family who say things like, “Time heals all wounds”, or, “I know what you are going through”.
“What kinds of things should we say, and not say, when we are trying to support someone who is dealing with grief?” asks Love Lives On. “What is your best grief advice when it comes to this?”
“We suggest to say nothing if you don’t know what to say when someone is grieving, rather than spout something that can never be taken back,” says Molander.
“We advise you not to philosophize, preach, admonish, give advice, and pretend everything will be all right or show pity.
“With so many things not to say, it is easy for people to be at a loss when it comes to finding the right thing to say.
“It can be an awkward situation when someone you love is grieving.
“You want to extend yourself to that person and let them know you are there for them.
“Some things that you can say to someone who is grieving, or someone who is dying for that matter, are to share happy memories about the person and the ways that the person impacted your life.
“Things like thanking them for the influence they had on your life, talking about how they inspired you, or talking about the important life lessons that they taught you.
“Positive things like these can be more meaningful than trying to relate to the grief they are experiencing,” explains Molander.
How Can You Move Past Being ‘Stuck’ in a Place of Grief?
“What if somebody feels very ‘stuck’ after suffering a loss? How do they get ‘unstuck’?” asks Love Lives On.
We don’t often address the question of how to deal with grief when it seems to linger.
After carefully considering the question, Molander reveals: “I went through a time of grief a while back where I was stuck.
“I wasn’t calling people, they weren’t calling me. I didn’t know what to do or say, I was just stuck.
“Sometimes I think we need to go into dormancy.
“We need to stop, to feel flat, to not put pressure on ourselves to know what’s coming next. Just let yourself have that time to grieve.
“Just like the seeds that are under the ground in the Earth, they are not dead or fading away, they are replenishing themselves and getting ready to sprout again.
“So if you are in a ‘stuck’ position, make sure to let yourself know that this does not need to be forever.
“I suggest trying to do one thing every day to help get ‘unstuck’, whether it is to hang a picture of your loved one, or go for a walk in the woods and pick some flowers in their memory.
“Anything that you can do each day to help break out of that dormancy and move forward while you keep expressing your grief,” advises Molander.
In other words, when it comes to how to deal with grief that you can’t seem to escape, be kind to yourself and celebrate even the smallest step in the right direction.
Does Creating Meaningful Funeral Services Have a Therapeutic Benefit?
“You are a well-known advocate for the importance of planning a meaningful funeral or memorial service for a loved one. In fact, you co-wrote a guidebook on the very subject,” says Love Lives On.
“Do you think that creating meaningful ceremonies has a therapeutic benefit?” asks Love Lives On.
“Yes!” affirms Molander. “And not only hosting meaningful ceremonies, but the act of planning for them as well can be therapeutic.
“More and more people are pre-planning funeral and memorial services.
“A huge benefit of this is when we recognize that someone is moving into the path where their life is coming to an end, we can start thinking about how we want to celebrate and honour that person’s time on Earth.
“So when we can plan ahead and think of those things and tie together something that honours that person.
“It can be incredibly therapeutic knowing that you did the very best that you could to honour and celebrate the life of your loved one,” explains Molander.
Hence, when thinking about how to deal with grief, think also about how best to create a ceremony that truly reflects your loved one and how you felt about him or her.
What is Your Best Advice for the Bereaved?
“What is your best advice for our readers on how to deal with grief?” asks Love Lives On.
“It is not the same for every person,” replies Molander.
“But, if you are going through any life struggle, keep your feelings that you are feeling close to your heart and share them with people that you love and trust rather than representing ourselves to the whole world as a griever.
“Someone said to me once that as long as you are being true to yourself and your grief, to protect yourself you can choose to put on your ‘game face’ when you go out into the world.”
“This is not fake. You know exactly what you are doing, but it is a form of self-protection. The cashier at the grocery store does not need to know about your grief.
“This isn’t always possible.
“A friend gave some advice to someone who had experienced a very traumatic loss and could not stop crying and it was affecting her day-to-day responsibilities.
“The real world doesn’t stop when you are grieving.
“You may have work deadlines, or you have to go to your kindergartener’s play and you need to put on your ‘game face’.
“His advice to her was to put your body where your mind is.
“Something as simple as saying out loud, ‘I am pulling out my keys, I am putting the key into the ignition, I am pulling out of the driveway.”
“Putting your body where your mind is in miniscule ways like this can help you get through those day-to-day activities and then when you are in a space where you feel comfortable grieving, you can let yourself feel those emotions.
“This just helps you compartmentalize grief and get through those especially difficult times,” advises Molander.
Molander best advice on how to deal with grief reflects the African proverb: “Sorrow is like a precious treasure, shown only to good friends.”
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How to Deal With Grief With Help From Ligia Houben
We sat down with Ligia Houben to talk about how to deal with grief after a profound loss.
Houben is a certified grief counsellor and a Fellow of the American Academy of Grief Counselling, and is passionate about helping grieving people.
Can Grief Be Delayed?
“A lot of times when we experience loss, our gut reaction can often be to go into denial and push our feelings and emotions aside,” says Love Lives On.
“Do you think that grief is something that can be delayed?” asks Love Lives On.
“Yes, it can be delayed,” advises Houben.
“When we experience a loss, grief is the natural and unique response to that loss.
“At times, where the pain is so intense and so hard, we often turn to defence mechanisms to help us cope, and denial can be one of those mechanisms that we use to cope with grief in the beginning.
“This denial delays grief.
“Other times, grief gets delayed when we have to take care of other things.
“For example, if someone has lost a child to homicide, that pain is already particularly hard, but the parents also have to deal with the case going through the court system.
“When people are faced with these other kinds of responsibilities that demand a lot of their focus and attention, they are not letting themselves acknowledge their grief.
“And so in these cases, grief can also be delayed.
“So there are our own reactions to loss that cause us to delay grief.
“But there are also different circumstances, like the previous example, that can push us to delay our grief,” states Houben.
Why is it Important to Consciously Acknowledge Our Grief?
“It is very important to accept the loss and acknowledge that it happened,” says Houben. “This is very important grief advice!
“Only once you accept and acknowledge your grief can begin to live your grief. After you accept your loss, you are not in denial, and, therefore, you can start to process your grief.
“If you do not process your grief, it stays inside of you.
“Grief doesn’t just disappear. It may become repressed, but it will resurface at some point.
“What we ignore does not cease to exist, and something might trigger that grief and it comes out even stronger because those feelings have been left bottled up and unresolved,” explains Houben.
When it comes to how to deal with grief, ignoring your pain is not a good, long-term solution.
How is Grief Experienced?
“You speak about grief being experienced in many different ways, not just at the emotional level. Can you tell us what you mean by this?” asks Love Lives On.
“When we talk about someone grieving, people tend to focus on the emotional responses only,” responds Houben.
“They often picture someone crying, depressed, or angry.
“However, people have multiple, different dimensions and I like to take a holistic approach with my clients and work through those different dimensions.
“People have the emotional level, which is the one that people tend to focus on when talking about grief, but we also have a physical level, a social level, and a spiritual level.
“So a griever might not be crying or visibly depressed, but experiences sudden severe back pain, or they feel as though they are having a heart attack.
“These feelings can be so severe that they end up in the [Emergency Room]. These are physical responses to grief.
“Sometimes, when someone is grieving, they withdraw from society. They don’t want to see other people.
“[On the other hand], they might not want to stay at home alone so they go out all the time.
“These are social responses to grief.
“And finally, we have grief on the spiritual level, and this one is very near and dear to my heart.
“Sometimes when someone is grieving, they lose faith, whether in God, or some other higher being, or they lose faith in themselves.
“Sometimes grief causes people to become more religious than they were previously.
“So by looking at grief at these different dimensional levels, you can really see how each person’s response to grief is completely unique from another person’s,” explains Houben.
How to Deal with Grief on Special Holidays and Anniversaries?
When it comes to holiday specific grief advice, “I always tell my clients that they need to prepared,” emphasizes Houben.
“I focus on helping [them] to be prepared.
“Grief is not linear. It is like a rollercoaster — some days you are up and feeling better, and then some days you are down and back in your grief.
“Maybe the person heard a particular song on the radio, or a special holiday is coming.
“It is important to help people understand that there will be changes in how they feel based on circumstance, such as upcoming holidays, and that they need to be prepared for that.
“I always tell my clients to acknowledge their feelings on those days and use those feelings to create new rituals to incorporate your loss into celebrating these occasions.
“I also tell my clients to share their feelings with friends and family members and explain why they might want to do things a little differently that year.
“For example, cooking a special recipe that reminds you of your loved one.
“I like to suggest a particular ritual for Thanksgiving where you create a beautiful box and leave it at the entrance of your house.
“When your family members come in, ask them to write down something that made them feel grateful for having that special person in your life.
“Then, after dinner, you can all sit around and read them out together and remember and celebrate that person,” suggests Houben.
Can You Get to a Place of Gratitude When You are Grieving?
Houben talks about how to deal with grief, she encourages us think about the role of gratitude.
“It is possible to be grateful,” affirms Houben.
“I have gone through many losses myself. I lost my father at the age of 12, and since then I have had many other losses in my life.
“I suffered some very serious injuries a couple of years ago when I was hit by a car crossing the street.
“My leg had to be reconstructed entirely, so there were feelings of loss of health.
“So I can tell you with all of my heart is that what got me through all of my losses in life was just to be grateful.
“I was grateful that I had my dad in my life for those 12 years.
“I was grateful for the fact that I was still alive after my accident and focused on that and the people that supported me through it.
“So we are always capable of finding even the smallest thing to be grateful for when we experience loss.
“This does not mean that we are not validating what happened to us.
“Of course it is important, but it allows us to turn our heads just a bit and see the other things in our life that we do still have,” states Houben.
Should We Openly Talk About Death and Grief?
“As a society, we struggle with openly talking about death and dying and grief and loss,” states Love Lives On.
“When don’t want to think about how to deal with grief because it can be a scary topic.
“How do you think encouraging conversations about these issues will help us on an individual level and on a societal level?” asks Love Lives On.
“Fantastic question,” responds Houben.
“I teach about death and dying at the university level, and when I teach the course, we talk a lot about how we live in a death denial and a loss denial society.
“Where did this come from? When we were born? It didn’t.
“It has come from a lack of education about death and dying in elementary schools, at home growing up, and in society in general.
“We just do not talk about death and loss. Everything focuses on winning.
“But we do go through losses. Everyone will experience loss in his or her life.
“So if we can bring this kind of awareness, we can ensure that we are better prepared for those losses when they happen, and we will be better equipped with the coping skills to deal with those losses as well.
“I will never forget when I was teaching a seminar, a mother brought in her two daughters. One was 17 [years old] and the other was 15 [years old].
“This mother told me that she had lost her father when she was 18 [years old] and [that she] didn’t know what to do, the pain was overwhelming.
“She had never been taught what to do.
“She then explained that she brought her daughters because, up until that point, they had never had to deal with a difficult life transition.
She wanted them to be prepared for when they do.
“That mother was proactive and it was beautiful. Loss is a part of life.
“When people are not prepared to experience loss, they develop coping mechanisms that might not be the healthiest ways to deal with grief and loss.
“And sometimes they do not respond, they react.
“So having these conversations about death and dying and emphasizing that we will all experience loss in our lives brings us awareness, as well as important insights.
“It helps us really realize that we will not have our loved ones forever, and so we should focus on appreciating the time we have with them.
“This then allows us to be more loving, forgiving, more compassionate.
When then understand that our lives have an end, so that we can be living with more meaning and more purpose,” states Houben.
What is Your Best Advice for Finding a ‘New Normal’ After a Loss?
“When it comes to how to deal with grief after a profound loss, we can see at the outset that things will never be the same again,” says Loves Lives On.
“What is your best advice for finding a ‘new normal’?”
“This can be a big challenge,” sympathizes Houben.
“My best advice, which I have gathered from personal, as well as professional experience, is that when we experience loss, we learn how to live with the loss of our loved one.
“We do not forget, we learn how to live with it. Love it eternal.
“So when we can find a meaning in that loss, and we find ways to honour the life and legacy of our loved one, this is our ‘new normal’.
“The ‘new normal’ is when we integrate that loss as part of our life story, and we can even grow out of this experience and become a better person,” advises Houben.
We should keep this thought in mind when considering how to deal with grief.
How to Deal With Grief With Help From Love Lives On
We hope you that you found this article on how to deal with grief helpful.
Here are some other articles on Love Lives On that you may wish to read:
- Five Stages of Grief (And How to Survive Them)
- Finally! A Grief Definition that Makes Sense!
- 100+ Beautiful Ways to Celebrate the Life and Legacy of a Loved One
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