Jay Miller is a public speaking expert and a professional voice coach, and is the founder of Jay Miller Voice & Speech, a company based in Toronto. He has kindly provided Love Lives On with practical and invaluable tips to help you prepare and deliver a wonderful eulogy.
What are the Most Common Mistakes that People Make With a Eulogy and How Can You Avoid Them?
The most common mistake that people make when they are not used to public speaking is that they underprepare and under-rehearse the eulogy.
“So the best thing that someone can do is make sure that you get working on the speech as soon as you find out that you have been selected to deliver a eulogy.
“Get your notes prepared as quickly as possible and give yourself time to run through the speech, out loud, several times before you have to deliver it,” states Miller.
Another very common mistake is that people over-rely on their notes when delivering the eulogy. This hinders, rather than helps, their performance.
Extensive notes are better suited for reading than they are for speaking. The notes you take to the podium or pulpit should list the main points you wish to make during the eulogy, and not the whole speech, word-for-word.
With your notes, make sure that they are easy to read. “Make sure you’re using at least 14 point font or larger, and make sure that there is plenty of white space on the page so that the text is not squished together too much,” advises Miller.
The third big mistake people make when giving a eulogy is that they do not take their time when they speak. “This puts a lot of pressure on yourself, which then creates a lot of anxiety and nervousness,” says Miller.
The final big mistake is that people are too quiet and reserved when delivering the eulogy. “They are working with a level of voice and a level of energy that is appropriate for private conversation, but is not suitable for public speech,” says Miller.
How Should You Prepare For Delivering a Eulogy?
Make sure you start preparing the eulogy right away. “Do not wait until the night before to start writing the eulogy because you need time to rehearse,” warns Miller.
The sooner you get the eulogy ready, and the more time you have to rehearse, the better the eulogy will be.
The best way to practice the eulogy is to stand and deliver the eulogy in the same manner that you will do at the actual funeral or memorial service.
“Reading over your speech while sitting on your couch does not count as rehearsal,” advises Miller. “You need to get on your feet and practice going through it out loud.”
Although this seems like a really obvious part of preparation, it is actually quite frequently overlooked. “No car company would introduce a new model of car without extensive testing,” says Miller.
“The same thing goes with a speech. Why would you want the first time going through your speech to be in front of the listeners? You wouldn’t.”
It is important to give yourself as much as possible to rehearse the eulogy beforehand. Repeated rehearsals will help you identify which parts of the eulogy are easy to get through, and which parts of the eulogy might be more challenging.
You should also time how long it takes you to give the eulogy. Most people are told the amount of time they have been allotted at the funeral or memorial service to speak. If you don’t time your eulogy, you won’t have an accurate idea of how long it is.
“What might look like the right amount of time on paper can easily go over,” warns Miller. When you go the time that was allotted to you for giving the eulogy, it is a sure sign that you have not prepared and have not rehearsed.
“At the risk of sounding too blunt, it is also disrespectful to the family and the organizers if you go over time,” says Miller.
Therefore, when you are rehearsing the eulogy, make sure you time it. If the eulogy is too long, make sure you edit it so that it fits within the time that you have been allotted.
What Should You Do Immediately Before Giving a Eulogy?
You should warm up your vocal cords with some breathing and vocal exercises. (YouTube has plenty of vocal warm up exercises that you can follow.)
You should also arrive early at the place where you are going to be delivering the eulogy so that you can familiarize yourself with the room and the podium or pulpit.
In fact, you should stand behind the podium or pulpit so that you can have a preview of what the room will look like from that perspective.
Miller also suggests that you check that there is adequate lighting at the podium or pulpit.
“One time, I remember I was giving a speech where I rehearsed during the day, but the event was at night and the light was so dim that I might as well have had a candle as my only source of light to refer to my notes,” recalls Miller.
“You don’t want to get caught in a situation like that.”
You should also test the microphone system beforehand to ensure that it is working properly and to ensure that you are not shocked by the sound of your voice over the sound system.
Does the position of the microphone need to be adjusted? What is the best way to adjust the microphone at the beginning of the eulogy?
In the minutes leading up to the eulogy, Miller suggests that the best way to calm your nerves it to focus on the task at hand. Don’t think about how nervous you are. Think about the words you are going to speak.
How Can You Stay Composed While Giving the Eulogy?
“The person who is most composed is not necessarily the most effective speaker,” states Miller.
This is especially the case during a eulogy where one might expect to see some feeling. If there are some tears, or if your voice quivers, no one is going to fault you. Emotion is to be expected.
However, you don’t want to be so overwhelmed by your emotions that you are unable to give the eulogy. Again, rehearsing the eulogy is key.
Miller advises: “It is in your rehearsal that you start to process the feelings that are attached to what you are going to say.”
“It’s not just about making things sound good or getting everything in the right order, because it’s in the rehearsal that you give yourself permission to feel the sadness, the loss, to feel the bittersweet moments you might be talking about, or the gratitude and humour.”
“Give yourself permission to feel those emotions every time that you rehearse so that that when you get up in front of your audience, you’ve already been through it.”
A technique you can use when you are giving the eulogy to keep your emotions in check is to be aware of the connection between your feet and the ground underneath.
“When you are aware of having both feet planted on the ground, it tends to keep you in your body and in the room, present and not off somewhere with your feelings,” advises Miller.
One final piece of advice Miller has on this subject is that it is important to understand that emotions may come up, and if they do, just let them flow.
He states: “Give those emotions away as you speak. Do not try to ignore them, control them, or put a lid on them, because I guarantee that your emotions are stronger than you are. Emotion needs to flow. So imagine it flowing through you and through your voice.”
What if You Lose Your Place or Train of Thought While Giving the Eulogy?
In Miller’s expert opinion, if your notes are too dense, it could result in you loosing your place while delivering the eulogy.
On the other hand, if you don’t have enough notes, you could loose your train of thought. (Just like the baby bear in Goldilocks, you need notes that are “just right” in terms of the amount of detail.)
With that being said, if you do happen to loose your place or train of thought, simply pause, take a deep breath, and gather yourself.
“No one is sitting there judging you. Pauses are actually good to have in a speech. It gives the audience time to digest what you are saying. So if you loose your place or train of thought, just pause, regroup, and continue,” advises Miller.
He also advises that you format your notes in a simple way to decrease the risk of loosing your place, as well as make it easier to recover if you do.
Why is Eye Contact With the Audience Important When Giving a Eulogy?
Miller emphasizes the fact that effective public speaking is all about relationships. It’s about having a conversation and connecting with your listeners.
Eye contact is one of the most basic things you can do to start establishing a connection with the audience.
“I’m not a fan of advice that says ‘look at the tops of people’s heads,’ or ‘look at the back wall just above the last row,’ because this is not making a connection with your listeners,” he says.
“Eye contact has to be real. If you are afraid that making eye contact with certain people might bring up too much feeling for you, there are plenty of other people you can make eye contact with”
Take Heart: A Eulogy is Not About You. You Don’t Need to Be Perfect!
Miller has two final pieces of expert advice for people preparing a eulogy.
First, remind yourself that a eulogy is not about you.
Miller explains: “Yes, you are at the front of the room and everyone is watching and listening to you.”
However, at the end of the day, it is not about you. It is about the deceased, the family, the experience of the people gathered there.
You are there to serve them. You are there to give a gift. You have a job to do.
If you go up to speak expecting that people are going to be judging you and what you are doing, you go into defensive mode.
If you keep in mind that you have a job to do, to get this message to those people as effectively as you can, you stay in ‘giving mode.’ And this is so much more conducive to giving a great eulogy.”
Second, you don’t need to be perfect.
“You are not aiming for perfection, but for authenticity,” says Miller. “Let us see who you are. Be sincere and speak from the heart. If you do, no one will pay any attention to mistakes you have made. It’s not about perfection. It’s about authenticity.”
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